Sunday, June 19, 2011

If This Is My Summer, I'm Joan Rivers.

Well, getting settled into Bozeman and my summer job has really taken it out of me. I literally did not think about this blog for eight days straight. I haven't even had the urge to draw a dinosaur... okay, well that's a lie. But, my mind has mostly been focused on camp, musicals, choreography, dogs, my severe lack of money until payday, and how I'm going to fulfill my dream of staring on broadway.

In order to give you all an idea of my life for the last eight or so days I'm going to tell you a few short stories in chronological order. 

As you may recall from my last blog post, I brought my dog and cat with me to Bozeman for the summer. The cat wasn't too big of a deal because I've brought him before and he just likes to do what I want him to do. 

The dog was another story. My dog, Ralphy, is a 120 pound Rottweiler who has never lived with another dog in his life. For the two months I'm living in Bozeman I'm staying with my dad and step-mom who also have a dog named Chester. Chester is a half beagle, half blue healer and is about six years younger than Ralphy. 

I don't really know what I was expecting when I got the two dogs together... well actually no, that's a bold faced lie. I know exactly what I was expecting. I had this lovely image of rainbows and sunshine and my two dogs becoming best friends immediately. I had the image in my mind that it would be like a scene in a movie where two lovers are reunited in slow motion on a beach in the sunset. There were just some minor problems with this idea. Problem Number One: My house is made of wood, drywall and nails, not a beach. Problem Number Two: I arrived at eleven at night and the sunset was long gone. Problem Number Three: dogs don't like it when other dogs come into their home.

Chester and Ralphy growled, barked, snapped and basically had a shit in the living room. My dreams of my dogs being best friends fluttered away from me like something that flutters away quickly. 

I decided it was best to keep Ralphy in my room all night which meant that I didn't sleep because he's a guard dog who likes to sleep by the door and protect me from rapists and stalkers (I'll discuss my stalker and my badass mom and dog another day). 

The next day however went much better. We took the dogs to a dog park near my house and they played and ran and kind of became friends. More like frienemies (sp.?) but I'll take what I can get. They are still argumentative but they get along better every day and my dream of my dogs running in slow motion on a beach is slowly coming back to me. 

The Yucky Face Rape Incident
There really isn't much to this story except that while hanging out with one of my friends and two of her friends one of them decided he liked me and became uber creepy even with my "get the fuck away from me" body language. 

When I decided to leave he asked if he could walk me out to my car and I just said, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...", which he took to mean yes. Then when we got to my car he asked if it would be inappropriate to kiss me to which I responded, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...", which he took to mean no. NOTE TO ALL MALES: Long awkward "um" means no. Not rape my face with your gross face. Okay, thanks. 

After getting pulled over (yeah.. awesome), I went home and brushed my teeth ten times. Now that I look back over this last week, this incident put me in a bitchy mood for the rest of my eight days. Stupid boy. 
This is exactly how I feel about the yucky face rape incident. 

My Best Friend's Stomach Ache
A few days after arriving to Bozeman I picked up my best friend from the airport. As soon as we got in the car he was complaining about his stomach hurting, but we assumed it was due to the fact he hadn't eaten in a day and a half. After dropping off his things at his house we went to Perkins which just made the stomach ache worse. BTW: Perkins is not the place to go when you have a stomach ache.

Later in the day we met up with the other people we work with at a children's camp and discussed camp things and how to be a great employee blah, blah, blah. During our little meeting my friend looked like he was dying. When we were leaving he said he almost got sick. I just figured it was because he was sleep deprived and still recovering from his flight. However, the whole ride to his house he complained about his stomach ache. I believe at one point I said, "stop being such a drama queen." 

When I woke up the next morning I had a text from Best Friend's Mom saying that Best Friend had appendicitis and was going in for surgery and she would keep me posted. 

So basically I'm a dick... (I was happy to find out that his mom had the same reaction to his stomach ache and just told him to take antacids). 

I went to visit him at the hospital later in the day to say hello and I'm sorry for being a dick... and to eat his jell-o. That kind of counter acted "dick" didn't it? 

After a few days of vicodin induced bliss and almost two straight days of sleep, Best Friend joined the rest of the camp staff at orientation and didn't miss one day of camp! What a trooper. 

Somewhere in the appendix craziness I went to hang out with one of the girls I work with and relax after a long day of orientation training. About an hour into hanging out one of her friends showed up all frazzled and upset and began telling us possibly the most insane story I've ever heard. 

Apparently her boss is some kind of con artist being sought out by the FBI and she was contacted earlier in the day by the feds to keep working for the crazy guy and put herself in danger. Awesome, right? (Also, the whole time she was telling the story this dubstep song called psychopath was playing and it just seemed very ironic... I felt like sharing that). 

Well, for the rest of the night I was convinced that I was going to be kidnapped by the FBI and tortured for answers about something I had no idea about and that there would be an FBI agent in my backseat when I got in my car. Any time the door opened, I died a little inside. I get paranoid about the government sometimes and this was definitely one of those times. However, I am happy to tell you that the FBI has not made any contact with me or anyone else at the house that night.

The Small Child Strikes Back
On the first day of camp I was greeted in the most odd way by none other than The Small Child. She refused to make eye contact with me and spent most of the morning hiding behind my butt. Within thirty minutes she attempted to steal my shoes three times. She also said my nose is big and I have a weird laugh. We need to work on a filter for The Small Child.

At this moment she still attempts to steal my shoes on a daily basis but doesn't hide behind my butt as much. We're making progress and that's what counts! 

The End
Well these are the highlights of my first eight days in Bozeman and now that I think about it, all of these events happened within the first four days of being here. I don't know why the first four days were so eventful, but it made for a semi-interesting blog post, right? 


Fraser said...

thanks for leaving all of my bad friend moments out of here, haha. i'm not very good at being a friend apparently. well at least not this summer. miss you!

jewel said...

blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol...?