Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Awkward Moments With Parents

Nudity In Movies (Especially Male Nudity)
Nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever scarred me more than the time that I went to see Step Brothers with my mom and Will Farrell put his balls on the drum set (I apologize if you have never seen this movie and I just ruined part of it, but honestly where have you been all of your life?). The thing about this event was I was about thirteen or fourteen years old and this was the first time I had seen male genitalia that was not on a baby. I was not ready for it.

There is a kind of process that parents and children go through when there is either naked time or sexy time happening on screen. Let me set the stage: you are sitting next to your parent or guardian in the movie theatre or on the couch enjoying a nice movie and all of a sudden there are two people getting it on right in front of your face. On the outside, both parties just sit there and pretend like nothing is happening, everything is normal, and in some weird way sex scenes are not awkward to watch with your parents. But you know you are wrong and that just makes it worse. The whole time every single muscle in your body is tense and the child wonders if they should be looking at their shoes or maybe the popcorn or their hands. The parents don't have it any easier either.

Now I am just guessing since I am not a parent, but I have had my fair share of awkward incidents with my mom or dad where there is either nudity or sex on screen and this is what I imagine was going through my parents' heads, "Oh my god... this is awkward... I wonder if she knows what's going on... I hope she doesn't have any questions after this scene... that would suck... since when do people do that?... I hope this isn't giving her ideas... I hope this ends with the woman getting pregnant and dying and then she will never want to have sex ever."

I could be absolutely wrong about the thought process of the parent in this situation, but I know if I was watching a saucy scene with my child, I would have those thoughts going through my head. All I know is that afterward both me and my parents have always pretended it never happened. My mom and I only talked about the ball incident one month ago and I'm now nineteen.

The First Time You Say Fuck
I started what I call "petty swearing" when I was about ten. By petty swearing I mean crap, damn, ass, etc. However, by the time I was twelve I was well versed in the big boys of swear words. I honestly don't remember why I started swearing so young. Sure, now days kids tell their mom to fuck off at age three, but times were different when I was a kid.

I've noticed that every parent and child has a swear barrier that they need to break. I began breaking the one with my mom slowly around age fourteen after I interned at the camp I am now employed at (for some reason I really became a potty mouth working at a children's camp). She was pretty chill about it, but then again, I had never said fuck in front of her. The farthest I had gone was saying shit and that was a rare occasion.

I believe the first time I said fuck in front of my mom I was just about to turn fifteen and had recently had major knee surgery. My dog never understood that climbing on my knee wasn't good for it and one day he decided to climb on bed with me and I screamed "FUCK" as loud as I possibly could. My mom laughed. Even after breaking the barrier I was still cautious and find myself to be cautious to this day. If I get on a roll with my swearing my mom will tell me to cool it. After all, she is my mom.

Dad was a different story. As chill as my dad is, for some reason I was deathly afraid of swearing in front of him. I didn't break the "ass" barrier until I was maybe sixteen or seventeen. However, the very first time he heard me swear was just an unfortunate incident all around. I was sixteen and we were running late to go film Obama in Butte so I was speeding into town. Sure enough, a cop drove by and pulled me over to which I responded, "fuck me running." We both just pretended the fuck incident didn't happen.

To this day I still don't swear in copious amounts around my dad, mostly out of respect. But every once in a while it slips and now that I'm nineteen it hasn't been as big of a deal. The first time though I thought I was going to die.

I Need Tampons
The first time I told my mom I needed tampons she became overly excited and proud because I was becoming a woman and would someday give her grandchildren. Something about my mom being extremely happy about my period just made me super uncomfortable when I was twelve and thirteen. Now that I'm nineteen, I love saying to my mom, "I need tampons" because it means I save five dollars that month.

Most awkward for girls is when you have to ask dad for tampons. Luckily this only occurs a few times like when your step mom is out of town and you are too young to go to the store yourself. This moment sucks especially for dads because unlike moms, they don't think about grand babies, they think about gross boys and the horrible, horrible monsters they will be when they go through puberty. Also guys just hate buying tampons.

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