Sunday, November 13, 2011

Babe Walker Is The Only Person Who Understands Me

This morning was a nice Sunday morning for me and fairly normal. I woke up, grabbed my laptop and sat in bed catching up on some of my favorite blogs and YouTube channels. The one that inspired me most was a video by one of my favorite YouTube comedian/ vlogger Jenna Marbles. One of her recent videos was about White Girls in the Club:

(If harsh language offends you, don't watch)

This video made me laugh so hard and also got me thinking that I could totally make fun of white girls as well! Now I, being a white girl in Montana, have very different material to work with given the lack of clubs and really any form of nightlife within 500 miles.

I decided to do some research.

My go to blog for everything Caucasian is Stuff White People Like. This blog really focuses on the things that white people like in my world of North West USA. I quickly became discouraged with my ability to make fun of white girls because no matter how much I try to fight it, I am a white girl. A bit of a stereotypical one at that. I'm not going to lie.

I'm here, I'm white, I'm kind of a tool.

While I still had hope that I could make fun of white girls, I began jotting down ideas of things white girls use/ like. The page is very full of small drawings, bolded words and many, many asterisks. However, after about ten minutes of brainstorming, and researching the blogs about this phenomenon, I realized that 80% of the typical things associated with white people were in my bedroom. I have also done every single activity that white people like, many times.... a week.

Now that I am thoroughly upset with myself for becoming so white, I have decided to make fun of it. Usually, stereotypes are so wrong they really aren't funny at all; like that all Hispanics are illegal immigrants, or that all black people walking toward you on the street want to kill you. However, in the case of the white stereotypes I've come across, they've all been so fucking accurate I can't figure out if white people are just writing this shit down to talk about themselves, or other races really have noticed these things and think we're ridiculous.

Clothing and Apparel 
I think one of the defining characteristics of white people is their clothing. Men and women vary slightly in their clothing choices (depending on the white people you look at, some guys where girl's jeans....), but both have the same premises. The number one article of clothing someone can find in a white person's closet is a sweater. I should know... I have 27. About 10 of them are grey (do other white people like grey as much as I do?). I mean what is it about a sweater that is so appealing to a white person? I'll answer that right now, it's warm, they are more professional looking than sweatshirts and it's like you are wearing a blanket. Who doesn't like wearing a blanket?! The white person's choice in sweater wearing is just a statement of blanket wearing that no one else is ready to accept.

Sweaters are the new blankets... with the exception of real blankets.... those will probably always actually be blankets.

I can't mention clothing and white people without mentioning scarves. I also counted my scarves and side note to my best friend Ren: I probably don't need a scarf for christmas... that doesn't mean I still don't want one. Scarves are a huge part of my wardrobe. I wear a scarf almost every day of the week in fact. Even in the summer.

I don't care if my core body temperature reaches upwards of 102 degrees, my scarf is classy.

My pseudo-little brother and I last christmas... with scarves. So. Many. Scarves.

Bikram Yoga
I have done Bikram Yoga a few times and hated every moment of it. I tell people I enjoyed it, but it sucks! And secretly, everyone who does Bikram hates it a little bit, but they will never admit their hatred because Jennifer Anniston and Lady Gaga do Bikram.

White person syllogism: I do Bikram, Celebrities do Bikram, therefore I am a celebrity. (Side note: I really enjoy pulling words like syllogism out of my ass... when's the last time you used that word?)

Going to Yoga classes are also extremely expensive and for what? Stretching for an hour? Thanks, but I can do that for free in my house, or in my dance class. But traditionally, there is a large population of white people with disposable money and the ability to pay people to help them stretch, or massage them without touching them. While yoga class also shows off the monetary advantages of the middle class white person, it also seems very foreign and exotic. White people like to seem cultured without actually leaving the country. I mean, who wants to risk malaria when there's a perfectly good ethiopian restaurant down the street?

Going to Breakfast
One of my other best friends is one of the most guilty of this activity.... and she's sucked me in. This weekend in fact, we went to breakfast at her favorite breakfast restaurant, Food For Thought. It's right on campus so it is constantly filled with college students in their sweaters, scarves and thick rimmed glasses (I go to school in Montana and my campus is predominantly white). The only time we get breakfast is on Friday when she doesn't have class and I have a two hour lunch, or on the weekend. We usually end up just chatting and talking about the week, but this weekend, I did the crossword puzzle. The fact that I only got three words doesn't matter, I still did it. Doing the crossword while eating breakfast... I couldn't be any more white. Except when I went hiking an hour later.

Outdoor Activities
I have somewhat touched on this subject before in my post Climbing Shit, but that was focusing more on Montana, which happens to be populated with a massive number of white people. The truth is, anywhere you go (at least in the western USA) white people like to do outdoor activities like hiking or camping. There's something about being covered in dirt and not showering for a few days that really makes a white person feel like he or she is doing something with their life. When I hike, I feel more accomplished than when I run a few miles at the gym or do a full ballet class on Pointe shoes. I mean, I climbed a mountain... I think I'm within my rights to throw myself a party.

I think it's mandatory for white people to have a picture of their feet at the top of the mountain they just climbed.

Being Uncool
White people like to say that they were super uncool in high school and share embarrassing stories from high school with their friends. Either a) this is totally true and they really were a nerd in high school but now are in a great college and really peaking and want others to know it or b) they were actually super cool in high school, but being a nerd is now cool and they don't want to lose their status as cool guy/ gal. I truly believe I belong to the first group, but I'm a white girl, so I understand if you don't believe me and think I'm just trying to seem like I was uncool in high school when I really was cool. I would be disappointed if you didn't take what I say with a little suspicion after finding out how genuinely white I am.

White people like to throw gang signs in Montana because we won't get popped.

When White People Try to Be Anything But White
Everyone has seen that 80 pound white guy who wears jeans five sizes too large, XXXL t-shirt, and a sideways baseball cap topped off with a thin ass chain and a tattoo of either a cross or the Virgin Mary on his arm. This guy thinks he's going to be the next Eminem, except instead of living in Detroit and growing up in black culture, he lives in Glendale and watches 8 Mile for inspiration.

Tanning salons are constantly filled with white girls (and sometimes guys). Last semester I won a month of tanning at a local salon and was always fascinated by the girls I saw there. After a month a was quite a few shades darker than I had been, but still looked natural. However, there were some girls there that crossed the not-so-thin line between tan and orange. Looking like you just returned from vacation is one thing. Looking like you just spent a week only eating carrots is another.

Bestie and I bootie dancing in tutus at our dance concert.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Pregnancy: The Hottest New Trend

I love kids. Maybe I should specify... I love other people's kids. I am no where near ready to love my own kids yet.

Recently, I went to see my brother, his wife and my two wonderful nephews. It was the perfect time for a last minute trip because it was the same time as my youngest nephew's birthday party. We went to a gymnastics facility, and all of the kids got to run and play in the foam pit... the adults may have jumped in as well, but that's neither here nor there. I played dino-opoly with my older nephew and read my youngest nephew his night time story. It was fantastic bonding time, and I am so glad that I was able to see them.

Another bright side to visiting my nephews is that I don't need birth control until 2012.

As adorable as children are, there is no denying that they are a major life changer and time commitment, and being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Kids change your life, and as magnificent as that life change is, I believe I would like to wait another ten years before making that change.

Every few weeks, it seems that someone I'm friends with on Facebook is now pregnant. When I was younger, I can remember teen pregnancy being such a taboo, however I cannot count the number of times I read congratulation notes on people's ultrasound photos every week. I have found myself constantly asking myself why there are so many young parents, and ultimately, I've come to only one conclusion: MTV's 16 and Pregnant.

Logically, one can come to the conclusion that MTV can not possibly feature every pregnant teen on their television show, but teenagers don't think logically (I certainly don't always). There is no denying that MTV and the media has glorified teen pregnancy far too much.  In fact, I'm sure that soon you will see "MTV Pregnancy Tests" on the shelves at your local market. Instead of a plus sign for pregnant, it's a dollar sign (Side note: this is not a real product, don't look for it).

Last night, my friend came to my house to eat dinner and watch the new Harry Potter movie with my mom and I. After the movie, my mom got up and out of nowhere, began showing my friend my baby photos. I was of course embarrassed and glared at my mom while she bragged about how cute I was, what an adorable child I was and that I only got cuter as I got older. What is it about being a parent that makes you suddenly have the greatest knack for embarrassing your child? It's like the second a new person comes over, Parents open the door, greet the person and immediately begin showing them their children's baby photos and commenting on how small your naked butt used to be, all while ignoring the fact that the child who has been out of diapers for a good 17 years is in the corner having a stroke.

After getting over my initial embarrassment, I realized that it's actually kind of sweet when parents show off their children to their friends, other family members or the new UPS guy. Instead of looking at the photo of their child and seeing the degree they didn't get or the job they turned down on the other side of the country because they had a baby too young, they only see the child that they raised showered in love.  When I see my brother and his wife with their children, there is clearly no regret surrounding the births of their two sons.

I find it so important to live the life you've been given and not rush all of life's joys into the first twenty years of life. I've got a good sixty or so years left to live and I don't want all of the fun stuff to happen to early.


001 Well it's been about thirty years since I've written a blog post, however I am alive. Barely. I recently had walking pneumonia and I'm just now getting over it. FINALLY. I thought I would never be healthy again, but I am slowly returning to normal.

002 I have been relatively busy while I've been sick and feel rather accomplished with myself. I have purchased my plane ticket to Argentina and leave Feb. 1 for three months. I haven't exactly decided what I want to do with the blog while I'm there, but I definitely will be keeping up with it and posting photos and videos throughout the whole trip. I am thinking about doing vlogs once a week to show what I'm up to down there and keep things interesting. If any readers have any ideas of what would be fun to do on here while I'm traveling be sure to comment on this post or message me on twitter.

003 This semester is my busiest semester yet, therefore it will be hard for me to do daily blogs. I'm taking twenty credits this semester with three spanish classes, a french class, history and dance class. While also doing school I'm working on saving up for the trip and planning things in advance while I'm there. It's rather hectic, but I promise I will be blogging more than I have been.

004 I'm going to write a real blog post now with jokes and laughter and thoughts on life, but I wanted to fill you all in on my current happenings. I may do this more... who knows.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Is There a Major for "Student"?

If I had the choice, honest to Bible, I would be a professional student. When I say this, people always ask me what I've been smoking because people are supposed to hate school, right? WRONG. You are wrong. I love me some school.

When I first told my friends I was looking at graduate schools, they all had the same reaction: Ew. I truly am so excited about the prospect of getting more education. I love it! I like knowing things. It makes me feel accomplished and special. I constantly find myself asking questions about things and what better way to get the answers than school? (or I suppose wikipedia if you really are short on time and can't afford to take a class just to find out how to survive the zombie apocalypse - side note: this is a real class at my friend's university and I almost transferred just for this class).

My issue is that I want to know everything about anything that remotely interests me. If I had infinite time and infinite monetary resources, I would probably have degrees in four languages (Spanish, French, Portuguese and Russian), acting, film making, forensic anthropology, creative writing, dance, and sociology. All of these things are the best things in my mind and I want to know about them. But I don't want to pay for them, so I suppose I will just be another ignorant american who doesn't have forty degrees.

Europe is always besting me.

I am currently in the process of changing my major for the fourth time. I am a first semester sophomore. I'm told this is normal, but I feel so strange and awkward every time I change my major. When I entered college, I decided to be a Liberal Studies Major. This was partially my way of selecting undeclared and partially me being interested in the program. However after a semester of people asking me, "What is Liberal Studies?" and me being unable to come up with an answer, I decided I should probably change majors. It was at this point that I decided to get a double major in Spanish and French. I went through the process and got approval from those two department heads, however I still needed to get a signature from my current department head who also happened to be my Honors Humanities professor. I kept chickening out of asking him to free me from his major that cannot be defined and finally decided to just stay a Liberal Studies major. I tore up my change of major sheet and continued with my spring semester. However, again within one month I decided that being to chicken to get my sheet signed was also a really pathetic reason to have a major in something, so I went through the process again to do a Spanish and French double major. This time I did it. I entered my second year of college as a Spanish and French double major (here comes another however). However, now I am working on dropping my French major for an Acting/ Theatre major (I don't think I'm going to do a BFA so it'll be called a theatre major). I also have decided that I'm about 90% sure I'm going to grad school because a) life outside of school scares me and b) I would then be the first person in my family to go to grad school. Win.

One might look at my changes of majors and think, why the variety? Fine arts and foreign language? Well, here's where I am right now: I have wanted to be an actress since I was a small child. I first did a play at age six (I peed my pants on stage... but that's another story) and consistently did community theatre and high school theatre for the rest of my life. When I was first entering college, I had all intentions to do a theatre/ acting major, however I got a lot of mixed feedback from it and decided to do Liberal Studies. For the past year and a half, I have always gone back to the idea of doing this major, and finally I am saying, "why not?" This is what I love and I want to do it. I also keep thinking about myself in an office setting or doing a typical career, and it just doesn't go well together. I am too snarky, too spacey and too hands on to be in a typical career.

Plus, I like to play pretend and dress up.

I really do think that if there was a way to be a professional student, I would do it. I would totally love to get paid for going to classes and learning stuff. I could be like one of those know it all things!

Is that a real thing or am I making it up?

Monday, September 5, 2011

Sitting On The Outside of "Boy Talk"

A few weeks ago my friend asked me if I wanted to come to a party with her and hang out before the summer was completely over. I of course said yes and joined her at some guy's birthday party, or going away party. I don't remember which it was. The party was fairly entertaining however, after some time we decided that we just wanted to head back to her boyfriend's house and hang out.

We arrived to my friend's boyfriend's house, and even though he had been following my friend for some time, he didn't arrive until 40 minutes after us. He then presumed to tell us this elaborate story about stopping at a house to stop a fight but originally he was going to get his backpack. We asked why he felt the need to stay and stop a fight and it was apparently because, "some guy was talking shit about Dave." (Aside: don't forget about Dave... he becomes an intricate part of the story.)

After the discussion of the backpack and the fight (which never really did make sense in our heads) we began just hanging out and my friends started to make some food. We were quickly interrupted by my friend's boyfriend's roommates coming in absolutely furious about the guy who was talking shit about Dave. This was where I noticed a magnificent phenomenon: when boys begin talking about their bros and people who talk shit about their bros, girls no longer exist in their lives.

The boys continued talking while off to the side my friend was talking to her boyfriend whom she had just accidentally hit in his manhood. He seemed to be in quite a bit of pain and was really making sure she knew he was in pain, however once someone walked into the house and said that one of their friends was jumped by a group of kids from the party, he sprung into action as though no ailment had ever come over his body ready to defend Dave and the other guys honor.

There were about five guys in the house at this moment and constantly they would go back to the conversation of, "I can't believe someone would try to mess with Dave." At this moment I decided to turn to my friend and ask her who the hell Dave was because I had never heard of him before in my life. She told me he was apparently one of their close friends who was leaving town... oh yeah, it was a going away party... but she had only heard of his existence three days previously. Neither one of us ever met Dave.

For the rest of the night, the boys paced around the house discussing Dave and the jerks who tried to ruin his going away party. Any time they spoke to my friend and I it was about Dave and how it is so important to defend your friends when someone talks trash.

This brings me to my point of the story. Why on Earth do boys a) solve their problems by fighting and b) think that a girl is going to think that it is attractive for him fight for the honor of some mysterious guy named Dave. Some girls may find it attractive when guys fight, but none of the ones I've ever met. Sitting on the outside of Boy Talk though is possibly the last thing a girl should do. We don't need to know how they tick and especially when the way they tick makes them look like a dick.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Can't Hang Out, It's Quidditch Season

I put as my Facebook status last night, "I was a nerd before being a nerd was cool". But I think people didn't really believe me. So I'm here to prove my genuine nerdiness to the internet and all that do not believe.

Before school I was an only child and had to find ways to entertain myself. Therefore I found rather interesting ways to use the tools at my dispense. If that meant wearing a mustache on my face or some swimming goggles to make me laugh then so be it. I had a great childhood and I don't care how I had it!

This is me at girl scout camp in probably 2003. Let's just look at this photo closely real quick. Notice the visor. Dear me, this was not a good look. Don't try it again. You also cannot forget the frizzy hair and glasses. I've also chosen to nicely accessorize my polka-dot blouse and vest with a faux camel skin water jug. This was also the summer that I grew three inches... in my legs. Therefore all of my jeans were too short and I was shockingly gangly. And did you notice that my jeans unzip... in the flare... in the front?

Once I got into school I was a MAJOR bookworm. I was one of the first kids to learn to read in my kindergarden class. And I don't mean reading selective words with the help of my parents' coaching, I mean actually reading sentences! (The fact that I couldn't spell my last name until first grade has nothing to do with my reading skills... what kindergardner can spell Christensen?!) 

My parents got me into the Star Wars franchise at a young age, and when Episode I came out my recesses were filled with me pretending to be Queen Amidala... except Obiwan Kenobi, played by Ewan McGreggor, was so much cuter than Anakin Skywallker... so I pretended that she hooked up with Obiwan. I had coloring books and a Queen Amidala doll. At one point my room was littered with Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca action figures. Star Wars was the shit. However, I am sad to say that my knowledge of Star Wars faded when I fell in love with another movie/ book franchise, Harry Potter. 

The Harry Potter Years were long and honestly still going, just not as strong. I was first skeptical of the Harry Potter books due to their wild popularity (I seem to still have this feeling about books like these i.e. Twilight which I have never read). When I saw the trailer for Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, I became intrigued and decided to check out the book. I was immediately hooked and read the next three (Rowling was only up to Goblet of Fire at this point) before Sorcerers Stone was released in theatres. I began seeking out Harry Potter posters at every store and market, and by the time Chamber of Secrets was out on video my walls were no longer visible due to the amount of Harry Potter posters and paraphernalia on them. My mom made me a fake wand because every day I came home and would pretend to be Hermione. At recess my friends and I played Harry Potter and eventually, when I got a Playstation 2, I started getting the games. I cried when Harry found out that he had a god father and the time when Harry and Ron were fighting in Goblet of Fire and they made up because they are such good friends. I also liked to pretend that when I was doing my homework, I was actually doing my homework for Hogwarts and would get detention with Snape if I didn't do it. Hey, I had straight A's all through elementary and middle school. 

I fell asleep to tapes of Goblet of Fire and Order of the Pheonix for about two years straight.

When I found these my first thought was, "Shit, I lost Chamber of Secrets". And I may or may not have stayed up until six fifty in the morning playing Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup. 

Oh, what per-say do you think is in this here box?

Why it's my authentic Hermione wand, that's what!!!! 

The hardest part for me was accepting that I wasn't going to Hogwarts and I wasn't going to be shipped off to England to learn how to hone my wizarding skills. The summer after I turned eleven I checked the mail diligently to see if I had received a letter from Hogwarts telling me about my special gift and that I had been living with silly Muggle parents all along. But school started and no letter came. I cried for like two days. 

I have now gotten over my sadness about not going to Hogwarts due to my maturity and the fact that I would have probably befriended Harry and gone through all of these death defying stunts or possibly died. I've made my peace with being a Muggle.

Tonight, while watching The Daily Show with my Muggle Mom, I saw the most fascinating clip. 

IT"S QUIDDITCH FOR US MUGGLES! It works basically like regular quidditch except you are running with a broom between your legs and some poor guy has to wear a yellow shirt and be the snitch. I want to start a league at my college. I'm not kidding. All of you UM kids: let's get working on this. I call chaser or maybe seeker... I haven't decided. Let's chat. 

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mark Zuckerberg Owns My Soul and He Owns Yours Too

I love Facebook. Facebook is like my meth. I used it once and now I will never be able to stop. But you know what, I'm fine with that. I never got into the games and questionnaires on Facebook because I think they are stupid. I think the questionnaires are stupid because it's so incredibly judgmental of your friends and it clogs up my wall with unwanted crap that absolutely means nothing to me. I think the games are stupid because you could do so many better things with your time on Facebook like tag people, like things, or creep on people's photos. That's what Facebook is for.

In my years of being on Facebook, I have discovered that there are many types of people on Facebook and I think Facebook thrives off these people, but it still doesn't make me any less frustrated with them.

The Creepy Guy Who Comments Awkward Compliments on Photos
I'm not good about taking compliments in general. I don't know what it is, but I just become very embarrassed when people compliment me and worried that I won't respond in the right way. However, my least favorite thing is when guys whom I do not know comment on my photos saying things like, "Ur hott". First of all why can't they just spell the fucking words right? Dear Facebook Creep, you feel the need to not spell out the full word you're but you at and extra t to hot? Also, do you think that your smooth words and terrible spelling will make me fall for you? You would be wrong. Granted, it is partially my fault for allowing people I didn't know to be my friend on Facebook and I've now become more restrictive of who I allow to be my friend.

The Over-Liker
When I get on Facebook, nothing makes me more happy than when I see that someone has liked what I have said. The most satisfying feeling for me is when the likes on a status update or comment get up into the double digits. I really feel like I've done something of worth at that point. But one thing that bothers me is when someone likes everything everyone on Facebook says ever. It's kind of disappointing when you see this person like something you wrote because since they like everything you can't really trust that they actually like what you have written or that it was even funny or interesting. The like button was probably the best invention by Mark Zuckerberg and the almighty Facebook Gods, but when the over-liker abuses the like button, it makes me lose faith in the like button and all it was made for. 

All of My Status Updates Are Song Lyrics Because I'm Just That Deep
I'm not going to lie, I've put song lyrics in my status update before, but when every single status consists of other people's words, I no longer believe that the person on the other end of the computer is a human, but actually a robot. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Let's Talk About Vaginas

I was flipping through Cosmo the other day with my best friend and her cousin (he is a boy... so I would just like to apologize for having to listen to our conversation at this time) and we came across an ad for a tampon alternate. (Aside for my male readers: I'm sorry... I do not have sufficient knowledge about penises... peni?... what is the plural of penis?... anyway, I guess you could always read this and learn more about your girlfriend.)

The advertisement was for a new product called SoftCup. It's pretty self explanatory, but my mind still said, "what the ef?" in copious amounts when I saw this advertisement. It is a cup that you stick up your vah-jay-jay during your moon time.
The three of us just stared at the Cosmo in front of us wondering what we were going to do with the knowledge that had just entered our lives. I can't remember who began talking first, but once we began discussing the schematics of this product, things just became more confusing for the three of us. We sat on the couch and discussed everything from how the heck you are supposed to get it in, how it words and how you can supposedly have sex while wearing it. After a few minutes we went back to our real lives where tampons are the thing guys are afraid of, not cups.

It's been a few days since the incident and I'm still thinking about this product. I mean sure, these little cups kind of sound nicer than fiberglass or make-shift diapers, but I still don't know what to think about this alternative special time product. I decided to look around the blogs and see if anyone else was talking about this and sure enough, other women on the internet are weirded out by this thing as well.

One of my favorite blogs, hipstercrite, did some research on other vagina friendly products. One of the things she found that I found remarkable was a uterus pillow.

Well, isn't this just a lovely picture. Honestly, who doesn't want to cuddle up with some friendly fallopian tubes? I know I do. I mean, nothing says come hither to my bed like a giant uterus. I just know that there is some vagina lover out there that has their room decorated with uterus pillows. If you want to see more of the weird things people have made with vagina themes, go check out her blog. They are pretty hilarious.

So what is to come of this post? Honestly, I don't really know. I really think I just wanted to express my my worry for a society that makes vagina pillows. Note to my friends: I do NOT want a vagina pillow for Christmas. 

My Parents Weren't Too Concerned With My Movie Choices As A Child

Looking back on my life, I would definitely say I had a pretty good childhood given some circumstances. My parents took great care of me, I had a loving family, and since I was an only child I pretty much never had to share the awesome toys grandma bought me behind my parents' backs (that is until my mom remarried and my step-sisters would visit and mom said I had to share because that's what makes you a good person). Being an only child, I'm not going to lie, I was spoiled and pretty much got to do what I wanted (within reason of course... my parents usually said no to me driving the car or throwing the cat).

The big thing I can remember my parents not really caring about too severely was the movies I was watching. Looking back I have two reactions about some of the movies my parents allowed me to watch. My first reaction is, "wow, my parents were so cool. I was watching R rated movies at age three!" My second reaction is, "Holy shit... some of those movies could have severely damaged me emotionally and lead to further issues in my future."

There are three movies that immediately come to mind when I think of this topic (and honestly probably the only three that would really stand out to anyone): Terminator 2: Judgement Day; The Sixth Sense; and Titanic.

Let's discuss Terminator. First of all I would like to say that the second film was, bar none, THE BEST of the Terminator movies. Now that I have gotten that out in the open, why don't I talk about how my obsession with this movie began around age three.

I can promise you that I was the only three year old on the block whose movie collection included 101 Dalmatians (which I just called Puppies because Dalmatian is a really hard fucking word to say), Pocahontas, and Terminator 2 (does it baffle you that I could say Terminator but not Dalmatian because it baffles me...). I have one very specific memory of getting up early on a Saturday morning, walking over to our entertainment center and putting in the VHS of Terminator 2. While sitting on the couch watching a very intense chase scene between the good terminator and the bad terminator, I remember becoming enraged at the sun shining through my living room window making a glare on the television screen.

If you have never seen the second Terminator movie, I strongly suggest you take a look... but I would not recommend it necessarily for three year olds. Mainly because of the strong violence, extreme swearing, and discussion of the apocalypse in great detail. According to my dad, I loved the movie so much because I thought John Connor was super cute and I liked the chase scenes. Thank God I had a really good filter because I'm sure my kindergarden teacher would not have appreciated me telling her to "pass the mother fucking scissors, bitch".

The film that almost ruined my childhood would definitely have to be The Sixth Sense. I don't really recall the first time I watched it, but I know that the movie came out in 1999 which made me seven years old at the time. My mom and step-dad really liked the movie so I guess I decided to sit down and watch it with them. For literally the next year, I could not go to sleep; was afraid of my bedroom, my closet, and my school; I avoided the color red at all costs; and I was convinced that if my step-sisters and I built a fort there would be a little girl inside of it throwing up. I think the reason this movie scared me so much was because Haley Joel Osment was very close in age to me (he's four years older than me), and I was absolutely convinced that I would also have the ability to talk to ghosts because that's how my seven year old mind worked. It also didn't help that my parents loved the movie so much they continued to watch it even though I was utterly terrified of the film. The solution to me being in the room while they watched the movie was for me to put on head phones and play on the computer... it didn't work. I have gotten over my fear of The Sixth Sense and in fact it is one of my favorite movies. I also love acting in horror films/ skits which is definitely not something I would have seen myself enjoying twelve years ago.

Lastly, good old Titanic. When I was in the first grade, I guess no ones parents really cared what we watched, because it was common at recess to play Star Wars or Titanic. I of course was always Rose and one of my good friends was always Jack (we liked each other in that first grade "hey, I have a crush on you but I'm not going to do anything about it because I'm six" sense). Every recess we would act out the movie in the most detail our fifteen to forty five minutes would allow depending on the break. The giant jungle gym was the ship and the gravel on the playground was the frigid cold Atlantic Ocean. Of course we didn't exactly understand every part of the movie. For instance, when Jack and Rose are in the car and well... having fun times... we would just go sit under the jungle gym for a while until we thought it was an appropriate amount of time to go back up and see the ice berg. I think I asked my friend once what he thought Jack and Rose were doing in the car and he said, "I don't know, drawing pictures in their breath fog on the window?"

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Dear Bicycle, I Think We Should See Other People.

I hate the feeling of being out of shape. There are many reasons for my hatred of being out of shape, but the biggest one is because it is SO fucking hard to get back in shape and so much easier to be lazy and eat mini-oreos all day. It's super hard for me to stay in shape while working at camp because I'm usually so tired by the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is go running or do aerobics or pilates. Also, it's very hard for me to pack healthy lunches because it's just way easier to bring Easy Mac every day and pop it in the microwave (my new nickname from my camp director is Half-Mac). Since I'm on a two week break from camp right now, I decided that I am going to workout every day and eat super healthy for these two weeks and hopefully I will stay motivated when I'm back in Bozeman.

So far I've been doing a great job with the working out every day thing. My dad was the camera man on a workout video last summer and jeez oh man, it's a kick ass work out. A little FYI for anyone trying to get in shape, anything that is dance inspired will do your body wonders! I kind of hate working out on my own though because it's so easy to become demotivated, so I decided to ask my best friend Ren if she would want to be my workout buddy for the next two weeks. She said yes, and our first workout took place yesterday.

The original plan was to ride our bikes to the University, go hike the M, then ride our bikes back home. In my mind we were going to do all of this without breaking a sweat, and when we were finished we were going to be so in shape that if you punched us in the stomach, your hand would just disintegrate. Like usual, my imagination was about as wrong as Anthony Wiener's penis size (congress men should not be packing heat).

We left Ren's grandparent's house and got about halfway to the University when we decided we wanted to go to the Italian restaurant she works at but we forgot money.
We stopped for a little photo-op. 

This was before we realized life sucked on bikes. 

After going half way to the university, then back to grandma's house, and back to where we had left off, we had traveled 3.5 miles. This was the moment we decided that hiking the M was no longer an option. We kept riding and the temperature climbed to about 88 degrees. We rode to the University and then over to Ren's favorite park which added another 2.84 miles to our ride. When we arrived at the park we collapsed on the grass under the shade of a large tree, and we didn't move a single muscle for a good thirty minutes.

The view from our spot in the grass.

After deciding we were hungry and wanted to go to the restaurant Ren works at, we got up and got back on our bikes. Apparently during the time of sitting, our butts left their state of bicycle seat shock and realized they were in pain and never wanted to touch a bicycle seat again. When I sat back down on my bicycle seat, my butt screamed in horror. I felt like I imagine a prison inmate might feel like... you know what, I'm not even going to finish that sentence. Just know, it was painful, and I didn't like it. The whole way to the restaurant we were both griping and groaning about the pain our butts were suffering, and that this was the worst idea in the world.

The trip to the Restaurant added another .92 miles to the bike ride. We sat down, vey tenderly for the sake of our bottoms, and ordered some Pasta and a desert. For the fun of it, and also to suck up some time before getting back on those torture devices that we used to think were oh so fun, we asked if we could learn to toss pizza dough. We weren't very good, but we had a blast pretending we were good!

So basically my best friend is gorgeous and makes pizza dough look hot.

It broke. Oops.

After our failed pizza dough adventure we decided to get back on the ass destroying machines and go back to grandma's house (we also forgot our to go boxes but remembered after only two blocks so that wasn't too bad). When we got about seven blocks from our destination, my bike decided that it no longer wanted to wear a chain. We then presumed to look like complete idiots on the side of a very busy road attempting to fix a bike. I made eye contact with a woman who was laughing at us! As soon as she saw me look at her she tried to pretend she wasn't laughing, but I saw! I know you were laughing at our misery Lady in the car, and I do not appreciate it!

As we were struggling a guy on a bike who was wearing the spandex and everything rode right past us like we weren't there! He didn't even offer to help, and you know he would have been able to fix the bike because he was practically dressed like he took a wrong turn off the Tour de France and ended up in Montana! What a jerk! I hope he reads this and knows that I am judging him right. this. second. Okay, I'm done with that.

We walked the bikes a little bit and then all of a sudden my bike decided to wear the chain again. Bike, make up your damn mind please! We FINALLY made it to grandma's house, and when we walked into the house, we looked like we had been stranded in the desert for days without water and were inches from death. We weren't even exaggerating one little bit, I promise. We eventually collapsed in the living room and watched The Social Network (great movie). I also went on MapMyRide and our bike ride totaled 9.2 miles!!!

Today my mom asked if I wanted to go on a bike ride and I looked at her with the most serious face possible and said, "I'm currently not on speaking terms with bikes."

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

More Often Than Not, I Wish I Was A Cat.

I want to first of all, apologize for the lack of postings from me lately. As most of you know I am currently employed at a children's theatre camp and I've been putting so much of my creative energy into camp that I haven't had much left over for my blog. I am, however, on a two week break right now and so hopefully I can give you guys some nice material and hopefully during the second session I will be a little more pro-active about blogging because I've definitely missed it.

So tonight while I was sitting on my couch thinking about what the perfect come back topic would be, it hit me that there is no better topic than cats and how my life would probably be fucking fantastic if I was a cat.

Pros of Being A Cat:
1) If I was a cat these are the things my day would consist of: sleeping, eating, sleeping some more, licking myself, sleeping, chasing some string, sleeping, eating, and sleeping some more. As a human, I love sleeping, but it is socially unacceptable to be asleep at four in the afternoon unless you have mono or are narcoleptic. If I was a cat though, I could sleep whenever my little cat self desired and no one can say shit about it because I'm a cat which means I'm better than you.

2) People would put videos of the funny cat shit I do on YouTube and I would be famous. I don't think I will ever be famous as a human, but as a cat, all I would need to do is roll on the floor or attack my owner with my little hands and BOOM, 1,000,000 hits.

3) Humans will suddenly become my bitch. Look at how a cat lives. They lay on our furniture like it's really theirs. They poop and pee in a box and humans clean it up. When they are hungry they just walk to a bowl that is (usually) always full. The most work they do in eating is sitting in that little ball close to the bowl so their little mouths can reach it.

4) As a cat I would be able to wear a big ol' look of "fuck off" and no one cares because I'm a cat. If I do that as a human I get labeled a bitch and people throw things at me. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I do get a lot of harsh vibes that feel like things being thrown at me.

5) I can get fat and people just think it's cute. Cats don't get judged for being fat. I think we could all learn something from cats.

6) Cats can make like 100 different sounds! As a human, sure, I can probably make more sounds than that, but I have a dictionary of words that tell me how to make different sounds. Cats just make their little cat noises, and guess what, there are about 100 of them! That is some sophisticated voice box.

Cons of Being A Cat:
1) Dogs think it is so funny to chase me. I don't want to be chased by a dog. I want to be a cat and lay on the floor and have people adore me.

2) I hate water and the world is about 75% water... so that sucks.

3) Small children like to pull on my tail. I say no. No pulling on my tail.

4) Hair balls.

Well here's my pro and con list of being a cat. I think I really just need to accept that I'm a human and be happy with it. After all, as a human I can reach things that are sort of up high. So even though I am a human and will just need to be content with my species, that doesn't mean that I can't randomly meow and pounce things around my house or my friends' houses. I think that is totally socially acceptable.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Awkward Moments With Parents

Nudity In Movies (Especially Male Nudity)
Nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever scarred me more than the time that I went to see Step Brothers with my mom and Will Farrell put his balls on the drum set (I apologize if you have never seen this movie and I just ruined part of it, but honestly where have you been all of your life?). The thing about this event was I was about thirteen or fourteen years old and this was the first time I had seen male genitalia that was not on a baby. I was not ready for it.

There is a kind of process that parents and children go through when there is either naked time or sexy time happening on screen. Let me set the stage: you are sitting next to your parent or guardian in the movie theatre or on the couch enjoying a nice movie and all of a sudden there are two people getting it on right in front of your face. On the outside, both parties just sit there and pretend like nothing is happening, everything is normal, and in some weird way sex scenes are not awkward to watch with your parents. But you know you are wrong and that just makes it worse. The whole time every single muscle in your body is tense and the child wonders if they should be looking at their shoes or maybe the popcorn or their hands. The parents don't have it any easier either.

Now I am just guessing since I am not a parent, but I have had my fair share of awkward incidents with my mom or dad where there is either nudity or sex on screen and this is what I imagine was going through my parents' heads, "Oh my god... this is awkward... I wonder if she knows what's going on... I hope she doesn't have any questions after this scene... that would suck... since when do people do that?... I hope this isn't giving her ideas... I hope this ends with the woman getting pregnant and dying and then she will never want to have sex ever."

I could be absolutely wrong about the thought process of the parent in this situation, but I know if I was watching a saucy scene with my child, I would have those thoughts going through my head. All I know is that afterward both me and my parents have always pretended it never happened. My mom and I only talked about the ball incident one month ago and I'm now nineteen.

The First Time You Say Fuck
I started what I call "petty swearing" when I was about ten. By petty swearing I mean crap, damn, ass, etc. However, by the time I was twelve I was well versed in the big boys of swear words. I honestly don't remember why I started swearing so young. Sure, now days kids tell their mom to fuck off at age three, but times were different when I was a kid.

I've noticed that every parent and child has a swear barrier that they need to break. I began breaking the one with my mom slowly around age fourteen after I interned at the camp I am now employed at (for some reason I really became a potty mouth working at a children's camp). She was pretty chill about it, but then again, I had never said fuck in front of her. The farthest I had gone was saying shit and that was a rare occasion.

I believe the first time I said fuck in front of my mom I was just about to turn fifteen and had recently had major knee surgery. My dog never understood that climbing on my knee wasn't good for it and one day he decided to climb on bed with me and I screamed "FUCK" as loud as I possibly could. My mom laughed. Even after breaking the barrier I was still cautious and find myself to be cautious to this day. If I get on a roll with my swearing my mom will tell me to cool it. After all, she is my mom.

Dad was a different story. As chill as my dad is, for some reason I was deathly afraid of swearing in front of him. I didn't break the "ass" barrier until I was maybe sixteen or seventeen. However, the very first time he heard me swear was just an unfortunate incident all around. I was sixteen and we were running late to go film Obama in Butte so I was speeding into town. Sure enough, a cop drove by and pulled me over to which I responded, "fuck me running." We both just pretended the fuck incident didn't happen.

To this day I still don't swear in copious amounts around my dad, mostly out of respect. But every once in a while it slips and now that I'm nineteen it hasn't been as big of a deal. The first time though I thought I was going to die.

I Need Tampons
The first time I told my mom I needed tampons she became overly excited and proud because I was becoming a woman and would someday give her grandchildren. Something about my mom being extremely happy about my period just made me super uncomfortable when I was twelve and thirteen. Now that I'm nineteen, I love saying to my mom, "I need tampons" because it means I save five dollars that month.

Most awkward for girls is when you have to ask dad for tampons. Luckily this only occurs a few times like when your step mom is out of town and you are too young to go to the store yourself. This moment sucks especially for dads because unlike moms, they don't think about grand babies, they think about gross boys and the horrible, horrible monsters they will be when they go through puberty. Also guys just hate buying tampons.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

If This Is My Summer, I'm Joan Rivers.

Well, getting settled into Bozeman and my summer job has really taken it out of me. I literally did not think about this blog for eight days straight. I haven't even had the urge to draw a dinosaur... okay, well that's a lie. But, my mind has mostly been focused on camp, musicals, choreography, dogs, my severe lack of money until payday, and how I'm going to fulfill my dream of staring on broadway.

In order to give you all an idea of my life for the last eight or so days I'm going to tell you a few short stories in chronological order. 

As you may recall from my last blog post, I brought my dog and cat with me to Bozeman for the summer. The cat wasn't too big of a deal because I've brought him before and he just likes to do what I want him to do. 

The dog was another story. My dog, Ralphy, is a 120 pound Rottweiler who has never lived with another dog in his life. For the two months I'm living in Bozeman I'm staying with my dad and step-mom who also have a dog named Chester. Chester is a half beagle, half blue healer and is about six years younger than Ralphy. 

I don't really know what I was expecting when I got the two dogs together... well actually no, that's a bold faced lie. I know exactly what I was expecting. I had this lovely image of rainbows and sunshine and my two dogs becoming best friends immediately. I had the image in my mind that it would be like a scene in a movie where two lovers are reunited in slow motion on a beach in the sunset. There were just some minor problems with this idea. Problem Number One: My house is made of wood, drywall and nails, not a beach. Problem Number Two: I arrived at eleven at night and the sunset was long gone. Problem Number Three: dogs don't like it when other dogs come into their home.

Chester and Ralphy growled, barked, snapped and basically had a shit in the living room. My dreams of my dogs being best friends fluttered away from me like something that flutters away quickly. 

I decided it was best to keep Ralphy in my room all night which meant that I didn't sleep because he's a guard dog who likes to sleep by the door and protect me from rapists and stalkers (I'll discuss my stalker and my badass mom and dog another day). 

The next day however went much better. We took the dogs to a dog park near my house and they played and ran and kind of became friends. More like frienemies (sp.?) but I'll take what I can get. They are still argumentative but they get along better every day and my dream of my dogs running in slow motion on a beach is slowly coming back to me. 

The Yucky Face Rape Incident
There really isn't much to this story except that while hanging out with one of my friends and two of her friends one of them decided he liked me and became uber creepy even with my "get the fuck away from me" body language. 

When I decided to leave he asked if he could walk me out to my car and I just said, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...", which he took to mean yes. Then when we got to my car he asked if it would be inappropriate to kiss me to which I responded, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...", which he took to mean no. NOTE TO ALL MALES: Long awkward "um" means no. Not rape my face with your gross face. Okay, thanks. 

After getting pulled over (yeah.. awesome), I went home and brushed my teeth ten times. Now that I look back over this last week, this incident put me in a bitchy mood for the rest of my eight days. Stupid boy. 
This is exactly how I feel about the yucky face rape incident. 

My Best Friend's Stomach Ache
A few days after arriving to Bozeman I picked up my best friend from the airport. As soon as we got in the car he was complaining about his stomach hurting, but we assumed it was due to the fact he hadn't eaten in a day and a half. After dropping off his things at his house we went to Perkins which just made the stomach ache worse. BTW: Perkins is not the place to go when you have a stomach ache.

Later in the day we met up with the other people we work with at a children's camp and discussed camp things and how to be a great employee blah, blah, blah. During our little meeting my friend looked like he was dying. When we were leaving he said he almost got sick. I just figured it was because he was sleep deprived and still recovering from his flight. However, the whole ride to his house he complained about his stomach ache. I believe at one point I said, "stop being such a drama queen." 

When I woke up the next morning I had a text from Best Friend's Mom saying that Best Friend had appendicitis and was going in for surgery and she would keep me posted. 

So basically I'm a dick... (I was happy to find out that his mom had the same reaction to his stomach ache and just told him to take antacids). 

I went to visit him at the hospital later in the day to say hello and I'm sorry for being a dick... and to eat his jell-o. That kind of counter acted "dick" didn't it? 

After a few days of vicodin induced bliss and almost two straight days of sleep, Best Friend joined the rest of the camp staff at orientation and didn't miss one day of camp! What a trooper. 

Somewhere in the appendix craziness I went to hang out with one of the girls I work with and relax after a long day of orientation training. About an hour into hanging out one of her friends showed up all frazzled and upset and began telling us possibly the most insane story I've ever heard. 

Apparently her boss is some kind of con artist being sought out by the FBI and she was contacted earlier in the day by the feds to keep working for the crazy guy and put herself in danger. Awesome, right? (Also, the whole time she was telling the story this dubstep song called psychopath was playing and it just seemed very ironic... I felt like sharing that). 

Well, for the rest of the night I was convinced that I was going to be kidnapped by the FBI and tortured for answers about something I had no idea about and that there would be an FBI agent in my backseat when I got in my car. Any time the door opened, I died a little inside. I get paranoid about the government sometimes and this was definitely one of those times. However, I am happy to tell you that the FBI has not made any contact with me or anyone else at the house that night.

The Small Child Strikes Back
On the first day of camp I was greeted in the most odd way by none other than The Small Child. She refused to make eye contact with me and spent most of the morning hiding behind my butt. Within thirty minutes she attempted to steal my shoes three times. She also said my nose is big and I have a weird laugh. We need to work on a filter for The Small Child.

At this moment she still attempts to steal my shoes on a daily basis but doesn't hide behind my butt as much. We're making progress and that's what counts! 

The End
Well these are the highlights of my first eight days in Bozeman and now that I think about it, all of these events happened within the first four days of being here. I don't know why the first four days were so eventful, but it made for a semi-interesting blog post, right? 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Complicated Day

Well I got all moved over to Bozeman along with my dog, Ralphy, and my cat, Boris, and holy boats was it a struggle!  Let's start with the beginning of the day:

When I woke up in the morning I was about half way packed, but all I had left were my bathroom supplies, miscellaneous objects, and items for the animals left to pack.  I decided to make a list of all the things I needed because every single year I end up forgetting something and needing to either go buy a new one or have my mom send me whatever I forgot in a care package.  I started getting so meticulous about what was on my list that I was running out of time to take a shower and really wanted to make it to my friend's graduation party by five and be out of town by six.  This was the goal.

After I got out of the shower I still wasn't fully packed but I decided to start loading a few things into my car.  However, I discovered something that would ruin my day.... the back gate to my car would not open.  I tried all of the chick solutions: pulling, pulling harder, kicking, unlocking, but it wouldn't budge.   I decided to call my ex-boyfriend (we're still friends) to ask if I could drive by his house and see if he could get the door open.  At this point it was about 3:40PM, and it takes me about 20 minutes to drive into town from my house.

We spent another twenty minutes trying to get my back door open and still it would not budge.  I guess I didn't realize what time it was and we talked for another twenty minutes.  When I realized what time it was I quickly drove to my mom's store and began asking her what I should do since my car is a two door Rav-4 and my suitcase weighs more than I do and somehow I needed to fit it and a Rottweiler and a cat and lots of other stuff in there.  In the back of my head I wanted to just trade cars with her, but when I just remotely suggested it she laughed and said, "fat chance" (My mom drives a Pontiac Grand Am and doesn't really want to start driving my dorky little car for two months while I drive around looking like hot shit).  I decided to just go home and see what I could do.

When I got back in my car it was around 5:20, and I wanted to call my friend to tell her I would be late, but I forgot my phone at my house.  Of course.  I drove as fast as I could to my house and called my friend and let her know I would be late.  She said it was fine and she would see me later.  I began throwing things into bags and quickly realizing that I wouldn't be able to take as much as I thought I would.  I got everything in (including the dog who had about three square feet of room to sit in for the duration of the trip) and finally had to get my cat in his kennel. When he saw the kennel he flipped out, ran away, hid under my bed, ran out again, began shaking, and peed on my hamper.  After cleaning up that mess I put him in the kennel with a towel in case he decided to soil himself again and got him in the car.  It was about 6:45 at this point, and I wanted to at least swing by my friend's graduation party to congratulate her.

I drove the 20 minutes to her house and when I arrived not a single person was there.  I had assumed the party was at her house and didn't think to ask where it was and therefore didn't know where the party was.  When I called her she didn't answer, and I had to get on the road because it was well past 7:00.  I felt like such a bad friend.  The lesson I guess is to always ask where the location of a party is otherwise you will look and feel like a complete ass.  That is the Jewel's words of wisdom for the day.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Quick Update

001. Hey everyone, so I just wanted to let you all know that I won't be blogging for the next few days because I am moving my booty to Bozeman for the summer to go work at a children's theatre camp! This is my sixth year working at camp, and I'm very excited to be returning, however the next few days are going to be spent getting ready, packing and saying goodbye to everyone here in Zoo Town. I will probably have some fun stories to tell though after I get there because I am taking my dog, Ralphy, with me, which should  be interesting to say the least. I will also be taking my cat Boris. Not sure how I am going to fit a Rottweiler, a cat, my suitcase(s), my guitar and backpack of things that didn't fit in my suitcase(s) into my TINY car, but hopefully all goes well! Wish me luck!

002. I have been mulling over the idea of creating a Facebook page specifically for this blog so that 1) I'm not littering my personal Facebook page with updates of when I post and 2) it creates another way that is SUPER simple to communicate with me because everyone and their mother has a Facebook! Let me know if you guys think this would be a good idea in the comment section below por favor (that's please in spanish)!!!

003. I just wanted to take a quick moment to thank you all for reading my blog because right now I am at over 1000 page views in one month! HOLY BOATS! It is absolutely quite possible that this is not a lot at all, but it is WAY more than I ever expected this soon and I just wanted to say thank you for reading. Also, the reactions buttons have been going quite nicely and people have begun using them which is awesome! It is always helpful as a blogger to get a bit of feedback from her readers, whether it be from comments or from the reactions. So thank you for using those also! You guys are just fantastic.

004. I drew you guys a picture of a dinosaur to hold you over until I blog again in about four days.

Monday, May 30, 2011


For as long as I can remember, I have had this weird thing where I think that inanimate objects have feelings and I have the potential to hurt those feelings. I thought that I was the only person in the world who felt this way about inanimate objects, but I was reading old posts of one of my favorite blogs, Hyperbole And A Half, and discovered that Allie Brosh herself also has this issue along with many of her commenters! I no longer felt so alone in the world.

I told my mom about Allie's post (my mom also really enjoys Hyperbole And A Half), and she told me a story about a woman who she used to see shop in a grocery store in her hometown who would only buy dented cans, boxes and other damaged items because other people had rejected them, and she felt bad for them. At this point I REALLY began feeling sane again because for one, I don't binge buy dented cans to make them feel better and for two, my disorder mostly associates to stuffed animals, clearance movies, old trinkets in my room, and pillows and blankets. Okay.. that last part made me start questioning my sanity again.

When I was born, my mom made me this baby blanket that I called "Blanket", and my grandmother made me a pillow that I called "Pillow". I was a real creative kid, I know. I carried Blanket and Pillow with me literally everywhere I went. If mom or dad took me to the grocery store, Blanket and Pillow came with. If they took me to the gas station, Blanket and Pillow came with. Going for a walk? I couldn't forget Blanket and Pillow. In fact, I drug them around with me so much that one day, Pillow just disintegrated. He (Pillow and Blanket were both male... I wonder what THAT means), just one day vanished into thin air and I never saw him again. I actually made a little pillow disintegrate before the age of four. What did you do with your life by that age?

This is me at a young age chewing on a bear's face. Pillow is kicking it in the corner and Blanket is keeping me nice and warm while I chew on the bear face. 

Here I am using Blanket as a cape. I am also wearing dog face ear muffs and holding a licorice string. I remember parts of this day and I remember being told to "calm down" multiple times.

My mom actually reconstructed Pillow for me to make Pillow 2 for Christmas one year.

This is Pillow 2. It looks just like Pillow! Jeez oh man, my mom is good. 

Blanket was still going pretty strong at this point. None the less, within two years Blanket began falling apart. I did some shoddy sewing jobs on Blanket, but it was no use... he was also falling apart. My mom tried to help by suggesting we make another blanket to wrap around Blanket with a zipper so any time I missed Blanket I could just unzip the less than satisfactory blanket that was suffocating my real Blanket and he would technically always be with me. My mom only brought this up two times because each time it sent me into a psychotic fit and I would spent hours crying holding Blanket telling him I wouldn't let them tear us appart.

I have managed to make him last until now, but he's very fragile.

See all of the falling apart-ness of Blanket. You can see his guts. I'm not pleased about it. There's also a hole in the middle. I'm afraid that if I sleep with him every night he will fall apart even more. I think he understands this and knows that I can not love him constantly.

Honestly, I think I would have gotten over my quirk at some point in my childhood, but the movie Toy Story and my mom prevented that. When my mom took me to Disneyland, I found large stuffed animals of Woody, Buzz, Jesse and Bullseye that of course my mom had to buy me. One day, we returned to the hotel room and the Toy Story stuffed animals along with my stuffed animal gorilla George (who still travels with me everywhere I go) were in different positions like they had been playing all day long. My eight year old heart fell out my butt. My toys came to life and played with each other while I wasn't there which meant they were fully capable of understanding when I rejected them! After this point in my life I made every effort to be holding every stuffed animal that I owned and Pillow and Blanket while I slept because they might be sad if I neglected them.

Later on, my mom informed me that she asked the Housekeeper at the hotel to move the stuffed animals when she came to clean the room. I think part of me though still believed my stuffed animals feel emotions and to this day I struggle to get rid of stuffed animals or little pieces of crap I've collected throughout the years.

Here I am with Blanket, Pillow and George. 

I blame Toy Story and my mom if I am every featured on that show hoarders.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Simple Grammar Mistakes Make Me Want To Slap Your Mother

I was going to write about cats today, but someone commented on my Facebook status, and I needed to share it with you all and then discuss the mess of a comment this was.

I kind of like when it's rainy and cold out side and I'm home alone because I can wear just the most ridiculous things. They are warm and no one is around to judge me. =]
33 minutes ago · Privacy: ·  · 

    • Benjamin Gerald Wollschlager Y u home alone? You're way to cute 4 that
      14 minutes ago · 

    • Jewel Christensen Does it count as being home alone if I talk to myself? ha.. just kidding.. or am I?
      about a minute ago · 

After reading Mr. Wollschlager's comment I presumed to rock back and forth on the floor, crying in the the fetal position while hyperventilating. There are two reasons this comment sent me into a state of mental shock and panic, and I will lay them out for you now.

Hitting On Someone Via Facebook Status Is Creepy:
For all of you fellas who read my blog, I just want to tell you right now that FACEBOOK IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE PLACE TO INITIATE FLIRTING..... especially if you do not know the person, which is the case with Mr. Wollschlager and myself. If you do know the person, occasional flirty comments are fine, but initiating conversation in this manner tells me, "Hello, my penis is desperate for attention and I would like you to be his friend." Also, hitting on a girl via their Facebook status (at least for me) tells them you assume she is a big pile of slut bag. Let's be real, what girl with any bit of self respect will just give her number to a guy who hits on her through her Facebook status. In all honesty though.. this isn't my biggest problem with the comment, because I know how to get rid of creepy guys (as you can see with my comment... feigning schizophrenia works quite nicely).

If You Are Old Enough to Have a Social Networking Site, You Are Old Enough to Use Proper Grammar:
Okay. I am not going to lie. I make small grammar mistakes. I'm pretty sure that unless you are my speech and debate coach from high school or a college professor who is supposed to know proper grammar, it's fairly common to make simple grammar errors. HOWEVER, one of my biggest pet peeves in the whole wide freaking world is when people misspell words on purpose. The words "why" and "you" consist of three letters. If you are too lazy to write those little words out then I think you need to examine your life closely. The same goes for replacing words with numbers. Numbers are for counting. Letters are for spelling.

Also, "the" is spelled t-h-e, not t-h-a. Little, not lil, and don't be afraid of the -g at the end of progressive verbs (going, seeing, etc.), they will not hurt you. I don't care if you are white, black, asian, hispanic or purple, the words are spelled the same no matter how you say them, and you look like a jack ass when you spell them like you have "swagger". Especially if you are a white girl from the north west who owns more than three pairs of cowboy boots. 

Now, with all of these shortened words, my commenter actually spelled out "you're" and used the proper word! I think this is where my head exploded. For those of you who are unaware, there is "your" and "you're", and each has a distinct meaning. My commenter lost it again though with "to" when it should have been "too". There is also "two". Just save the world and your college professors some time, and learn that each of these has a distinct meaning too. Finally, the biggy: their, there, and they're. Three. Distinct. Meanings. LEARN THEM. 

Okay. I just had to get that out there and vent about the lack of basic grammar skills on the internet now-a-days. I apologize if you were really looking forward to reading about cats, but I don't know how you would have known I was going to be writing about cats because I didn't tell you, and you should probably put your mind reading tools to better use. But I do promise I will write about cats in the near future. Possibly tomorrow... we shall see.

PS: Just because I wrote about grammar does not mean I want to be corrected on my grammar or to have people tell me that my comma is in the wrong spot. I'm not a grammar expert, but the things that usually drive me nuts are things that we as human beings learned about in the second grade or so and aren't super complicated. Thanks guys you all rock and I know your grammar won't disappoint me!