Tuesday, July 12, 2011

More Often Than Not, I Wish I Was A Cat.

I want to first of all, apologize for the lack of postings from me lately. As most of you know I am currently employed at a children's theatre camp and I've been putting so much of my creative energy into camp that I haven't had much left over for my blog. I am, however, on a two week break right now and so hopefully I can give you guys some nice material and hopefully during the second session I will be a little more pro-active about blogging because I've definitely missed it.

So tonight while I was sitting on my couch thinking about what the perfect come back topic would be, it hit me that there is no better topic than cats and how my life would probably be fucking fantastic if I was a cat.

Pros of Being A Cat:
1) If I was a cat these are the things my day would consist of: sleeping, eating, sleeping some more, licking myself, sleeping, chasing some string, sleeping, eating, and sleeping some more. As a human, I love sleeping, but it is socially unacceptable to be asleep at four in the afternoon unless you have mono or are narcoleptic. If I was a cat though, I could sleep whenever my little cat self desired and no one can say shit about it because I'm a cat which means I'm better than you.

2) People would put videos of the funny cat shit I do on YouTube and I would be famous. I don't think I will ever be famous as a human, but as a cat, all I would need to do is roll on the floor or attack my owner with my little hands and BOOM, 1,000,000 hits.

3) Humans will suddenly become my bitch. Look at how a cat lives. They lay on our furniture like it's really theirs. They poop and pee in a box and humans clean it up. When they are hungry they just walk to a bowl that is (usually) always full. The most work they do in eating is sitting in that little ball close to the bowl so their little mouths can reach it.

4) As a cat I would be able to wear a big ol' look of "fuck off" and no one cares because I'm a cat. If I do that as a human I get labeled a bitch and people throw things at me. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I do get a lot of harsh vibes that feel like things being thrown at me.

5) I can get fat and people just think it's cute. Cats don't get judged for being fat. I think we could all learn something from cats.

6) Cats can make like 100 different sounds! As a human, sure, I can probably make more sounds than that, but I have a dictionary of words that tell me how to make different sounds. Cats just make their little cat noises, and guess what, there are about 100 of them! That is some sophisticated voice box.

Cons of Being A Cat:
1) Dogs think it is so funny to chase me. I don't want to be chased by a dog. I want to be a cat and lay on the floor and have people adore me.

2) I hate water and the world is about 75% water... so that sucks.

3) Small children like to pull on my tail. I say no. No pulling on my tail.

4) Hair balls.

Well here's my pro and con list of being a cat. I think I really just need to accept that I'm a human and be happy with it. After all, as a human I can reach things that are sort of up high. So even though I am a human and will just need to be content with my species, that doesn't mean that I can't randomly meow and pounce things around my house or my friends' houses. I think that is totally socially acceptable.

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