Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mark Zuckerberg Owns My Soul and He Owns Yours Too

I love Facebook. Facebook is like my meth. I used it once and now I will never be able to stop. But you know what, I'm fine with that. I never got into the games and questionnaires on Facebook because I think they are stupid. I think the questionnaires are stupid because it's so incredibly judgmental of your friends and it clogs up my wall with unwanted crap that absolutely means nothing to me. I think the games are stupid because you could do so many better things with your time on Facebook like tag people, like things, or creep on people's photos. That's what Facebook is for.

In my years of being on Facebook, I have discovered that there are many types of people on Facebook and I think Facebook thrives off these people, but it still doesn't make me any less frustrated with them.

The Creepy Guy Who Comments Awkward Compliments on Photos
I'm not good about taking compliments in general. I don't know what it is, but I just become very embarrassed when people compliment me and worried that I won't respond in the right way. However, my least favorite thing is when guys whom I do not know comment on my photos saying things like, "Ur hott". First of all why can't they just spell the fucking words right? Dear Facebook Creep, you feel the need to not spell out the full word you're but you at and extra t to hot? Also, do you think that your smooth words and terrible spelling will make me fall for you? You would be wrong. Granted, it is partially my fault for allowing people I didn't know to be my friend on Facebook and I've now become more restrictive of who I allow to be my friend.


The Over-Liker
When I get on Facebook, nothing makes me more happy than when I see that someone has liked what I have said. The most satisfying feeling for me is when the likes on a status update or comment get up into the double digits. I really feel like I've done something of worth at that point. But one thing that bothers me is when someone likes everything everyone on Facebook says ever. It's kind of disappointing when you see this person like something you wrote because since they like everything you can't really trust that they actually like what you have written or that it was even funny or interesting. The like button was probably the best invention by Mark Zuckerberg and the almighty Facebook Gods, but when the over-liker abuses the like button, it makes me lose faith in the like button and all it was made for. 

All of My Status Updates Are Song Lyrics Because I'm Just That Deep
I'm not going to lie, I've put song lyrics in my status update before, but when every single status consists of other people's words, I no longer believe that the person on the other end of the computer is a human, but actually a robot. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Let's Talk About Vaginas

I was flipping through Cosmo the other day with my best friend and her cousin (he is a boy... so I would just like to apologize for having to listen to our conversation at this time) and we came across an ad for a tampon alternate. (Aside for my male readers: I'm sorry... I do not have sufficient knowledge about penises... peni?... what is the plural of penis?... anyway, I guess you could always read this and learn more about your girlfriend.)

The advertisement was for a new product called SoftCup. It's pretty self explanatory, but my mind still said, "what the ef?" in copious amounts when I saw this advertisement. It is a cup that you stick up your vah-jay-jay during your moon time.
The three of us just stared at the Cosmo in front of us wondering what we were going to do with the knowledge that had just entered our lives. I can't remember who began talking first, but once we began discussing the schematics of this product, things just became more confusing for the three of us. We sat on the couch and discussed everything from how the heck you are supposed to get it in, how it words and how you can supposedly have sex while wearing it. After a few minutes we went back to our real lives where tampons are the thing guys are afraid of, not cups.

It's been a few days since the incident and I'm still thinking about this product. I mean sure, these little cups kind of sound nicer than fiberglass or make-shift diapers, but I still don't know what to think about this alternative special time product. I decided to look around the blogs and see if anyone else was talking about this and sure enough, other women on the internet are weirded out by this thing as well.

One of my favorite blogs, hipstercrite, did some research on other vagina friendly products. One of the things she found that I found remarkable was a uterus pillow.


Well, isn't this just a lovely picture. Honestly, who doesn't want to cuddle up with some friendly fallopian tubes? I know I do. I mean, nothing says come hither to my bed like a giant uterus. I just know that there is some vagina lover out there that has their room decorated with uterus pillows. If you want to see more of the weird things people have made with vagina themes, go check out her blog. They are pretty hilarious.

So what is to come of this post? Honestly, I don't really know. I really think I just wanted to express my my worry for a society that makes vagina pillows. Note to my friends: I do NOT want a vagina pillow for Christmas. 

My Parents Weren't Too Concerned With My Movie Choices As A Child

Looking back on my life, I would definitely say I had a pretty good childhood given some circumstances. My parents took great care of me, I had a loving family, and since I was an only child I pretty much never had to share the awesome toys grandma bought me behind my parents' backs (that is until my mom remarried and my step-sisters would visit and mom said I had to share because that's what makes you a good person). Being an only child, I'm not going to lie, I was spoiled and pretty much got to do what I wanted (within reason of course... my parents usually said no to me driving the car or throwing the cat).

The big thing I can remember my parents not really caring about too severely was the movies I was watching. Looking back I have two reactions about some of the movies my parents allowed me to watch. My first reaction is, "wow, my parents were so cool. I was watching R rated movies at age three!" My second reaction is, "Holy shit... some of those movies could have severely damaged me emotionally and lead to further issues in my future."

There are three movies that immediately come to mind when I think of this topic (and honestly probably the only three that would really stand out to anyone): Terminator 2: Judgement Day; The Sixth Sense; and Titanic.

Let's discuss Terminator. First of all I would like to say that the second film was, bar none, THE BEST of the Terminator movies. Now that I have gotten that out in the open, why don't I talk about how my obsession with this movie began around age three.

I can promise you that I was the only three year old on the block whose movie collection included 101 Dalmatians (which I just called Puppies because Dalmatian is a really hard fucking word to say), Pocahontas, and Terminator 2 (does it baffle you that I could say Terminator but not Dalmatian because it baffles me...). I have one very specific memory of getting up early on a Saturday morning, walking over to our entertainment center and putting in the VHS of Terminator 2. While sitting on the couch watching a very intense chase scene between the good terminator and the bad terminator, I remember becoming enraged at the sun shining through my living room window making a glare on the television screen.

If you have never seen the second Terminator movie, I strongly suggest you take a look... but I would not recommend it necessarily for three year olds. Mainly because of the strong violence, extreme swearing, and discussion of the apocalypse in great detail. According to my dad, I loved the movie so much because I thought John Connor was super cute and I liked the chase scenes. Thank God I had a really good filter because I'm sure my kindergarden teacher would not have appreciated me telling her to "pass the mother fucking scissors, bitch".

The film that almost ruined my childhood would definitely have to be The Sixth Sense. I don't really recall the first time I watched it, but I know that the movie came out in 1999 which made me seven years old at the time. My mom and step-dad really liked the movie so I guess I decided to sit down and watch it with them. For literally the next year, I could not go to sleep; was afraid of my bedroom, my closet, and my school; I avoided the color red at all costs; and I was convinced that if my step-sisters and I built a fort there would be a little girl inside of it throwing up. I think the reason this movie scared me so much was because Haley Joel Osment was very close in age to me (he's four years older than me), and I was absolutely convinced that I would also have the ability to talk to ghosts because that's how my seven year old mind worked. It also didn't help that my parents loved the movie so much they continued to watch it even though I was utterly terrified of the film. The solution to me being in the room while they watched the movie was for me to put on head phones and play on the computer... it didn't work. I have gotten over my fear of The Sixth Sense and in fact it is one of my favorite movies. I also love acting in horror films/ skits which is definitely not something I would have seen myself enjoying twelve years ago.

Lastly, good old Titanic. When I was in the first grade, I guess no ones parents really cared what we watched, because it was common at recess to play Star Wars or Titanic. I of course was always Rose and one of my good friends was always Jack (we liked each other in that first grade "hey, I have a crush on you but I'm not going to do anything about it because I'm six" sense). Every recess we would act out the movie in the most detail our fifteen to forty five minutes would allow depending on the break. The giant jungle gym was the ship and the gravel on the playground was the frigid cold Atlantic Ocean. Of course we didn't exactly understand every part of the movie. For instance, when Jack and Rose are in the car and well... having fun times... we would just go sit under the jungle gym for a while until we thought it was an appropriate amount of time to go back up and see the ice berg. I think I asked my friend once what he thought Jack and Rose were doing in the car and he said, "I don't know, drawing pictures in their breath fog on the window?"