Sunday, November 13, 2011

Babe Walker Is The Only Person Who Understands Me

This morning was a nice Sunday morning for me and fairly normal. I woke up, grabbed my laptop and sat in bed catching up on some of my favorite blogs and YouTube channels. The one that inspired me most was a video by one of my favorite YouTube comedian/ vlogger Jenna Marbles. One of her recent videos was about White Girls in the Club:

(If harsh language offends you, don't watch)

This video made me laugh so hard and also got me thinking that I could totally make fun of white girls as well! Now I, being a white girl in Montana, have very different material to work with given the lack of clubs and really any form of nightlife within 500 miles.

I decided to do some research.

My go to blog for everything Caucasian is Stuff White People Like. This blog really focuses on the things that white people like in my world of North West USA. I quickly became discouraged with my ability to make fun of white girls because no matter how much I try to fight it, I am a white girl. A bit of a stereotypical one at that. I'm not going to lie.

I'm here, I'm white, I'm kind of a tool.

While I still had hope that I could make fun of white girls, I began jotting down ideas of things white girls use/ like. The page is very full of small drawings, bolded words and many, many asterisks. However, after about ten minutes of brainstorming, and researching the blogs about this phenomenon, I realized that 80% of the typical things associated with white people were in my bedroom. I have also done every single activity that white people like, many times.... a week.

Now that I am thoroughly upset with myself for becoming so white, I have decided to make fun of it. Usually, stereotypes are so wrong they really aren't funny at all; like that all Hispanics are illegal immigrants, or that all black people walking toward you on the street want to kill you. However, in the case of the white stereotypes I've come across, they've all been so fucking accurate I can't figure out if white people are just writing this shit down to talk about themselves, or other races really have noticed these things and think we're ridiculous.

Clothing and Apparel 
I think one of the defining characteristics of white people is their clothing. Men and women vary slightly in their clothing choices (depending on the white people you look at, some guys where girl's jeans....), but both have the same premises. The number one article of clothing someone can find in a white person's closet is a sweater. I should know... I have 27. About 10 of them are grey (do other white people like grey as much as I do?). I mean what is it about a sweater that is so appealing to a white person? I'll answer that right now, it's warm, they are more professional looking than sweatshirts and it's like you are wearing a blanket. Who doesn't like wearing a blanket?! The white person's choice in sweater wearing is just a statement of blanket wearing that no one else is ready to accept.

Sweaters are the new blankets... with the exception of real blankets.... those will probably always actually be blankets.

I can't mention clothing and white people without mentioning scarves. I also counted my scarves and side note to my best friend Ren: I probably don't need a scarf for christmas... that doesn't mean I still don't want one. Scarves are a huge part of my wardrobe. I wear a scarf almost every day of the week in fact. Even in the summer.

I don't care if my core body temperature reaches upwards of 102 degrees, my scarf is classy.

My pseudo-little brother and I last christmas... with scarves. So. Many. Scarves.

Bikram Yoga
I have done Bikram Yoga a few times and hated every moment of it. I tell people I enjoyed it, but it sucks! And secretly, everyone who does Bikram hates it a little bit, but they will never admit their hatred because Jennifer Anniston and Lady Gaga do Bikram.

White person syllogism: I do Bikram, Celebrities do Bikram, therefore I am a celebrity. (Side note: I really enjoy pulling words like syllogism out of my ass... when's the last time you used that word?)

Going to Yoga classes are also extremely expensive and for what? Stretching for an hour? Thanks, but I can do that for free in my house, or in my dance class. But traditionally, there is a large population of white people with disposable money and the ability to pay people to help them stretch, or massage them without touching them. While yoga class also shows off the monetary advantages of the middle class white person, it also seems very foreign and exotic. White people like to seem cultured without actually leaving the country. I mean, who wants to risk malaria when there's a perfectly good ethiopian restaurant down the street?

Going to Breakfast
One of my other best friends is one of the most guilty of this activity.... and she's sucked me in. This weekend in fact, we went to breakfast at her favorite breakfast restaurant, Food For Thought. It's right on campus so it is constantly filled with college students in their sweaters, scarves and thick rimmed glasses (I go to school in Montana and my campus is predominantly white). The only time we get breakfast is on Friday when she doesn't have class and I have a two hour lunch, or on the weekend. We usually end up just chatting and talking about the week, but this weekend, I did the crossword puzzle. The fact that I only got three words doesn't matter, I still did it. Doing the crossword while eating breakfast... I couldn't be any more white. Except when I went hiking an hour later.

Outdoor Activities
I have somewhat touched on this subject before in my post Climbing Shit, but that was focusing more on Montana, which happens to be populated with a massive number of white people. The truth is, anywhere you go (at least in the western USA) white people like to do outdoor activities like hiking or camping. There's something about being covered in dirt and not showering for a few days that really makes a white person feel like he or she is doing something with their life. When I hike, I feel more accomplished than when I run a few miles at the gym or do a full ballet class on Pointe shoes. I mean, I climbed a mountain... I think I'm within my rights to throw myself a party.

I think it's mandatory for white people to have a picture of their feet at the top of the mountain they just climbed.

Being Uncool
White people like to say that they were super uncool in high school and share embarrassing stories from high school with their friends. Either a) this is totally true and they really were a nerd in high school but now are in a great college and really peaking and want others to know it or b) they were actually super cool in high school, but being a nerd is now cool and they don't want to lose their status as cool guy/ gal. I truly believe I belong to the first group, but I'm a white girl, so I understand if you don't believe me and think I'm just trying to seem like I was uncool in high school when I really was cool. I would be disappointed if you didn't take what I say with a little suspicion after finding out how genuinely white I am.

White people like to throw gang signs in Montana because we won't get popped.

When White People Try to Be Anything But White
Everyone has seen that 80 pound white guy who wears jeans five sizes too large, XXXL t-shirt, and a sideways baseball cap topped off with a thin ass chain and a tattoo of either a cross or the Virgin Mary on his arm. This guy thinks he's going to be the next Eminem, except instead of living in Detroit and growing up in black culture, he lives in Glendale and watches 8 Mile for inspiration.

Tanning salons are constantly filled with white girls (and sometimes guys). Last semester I won a month of tanning at a local salon and was always fascinated by the girls I saw there. After a month a was quite a few shades darker than I had been, but still looked natural. However, there were some girls there that crossed the not-so-thin line between tan and orange. Looking like you just returned from vacation is one thing. Looking like you just spent a week only eating carrots is another.

Bestie and I bootie dancing in tutus at our dance concert.


Anonymous said...

is this for real? you think, as an ignorant white montana girl, you can write about things white girls like? honey, you live in a place with almost no minorities. you have nothing to work with here.

oh, by the way,,,, i am pretty sure black girls also go to breakfast. if you knew any, you would know this.

jewel said...

Is you're mom for real? This is indeed a joke and hyperbolized for comedic effect. As weird as it may sound, this ignorant montana girl knows multiple people of different ethnicities including black people and have left the state of Montana quite a few times (yeah... we visit other places... in cars... no biggie).

This post is more inspired by a sociology class I took where we discussed racism and the fact that white people cannot justify someone being racist against them because it is not a pattern of behavior that has troubled their race for a long time. Stereotypes for white people most of the time are so ridiculous and I honestly don't know how someone could be offended by them. This is all a joke and should be taken as one. You were the first who didn't, congrats.

Anonymous said...

is your grammar for real?

jewel said...

Probably not.