Sunday, May 1, 2011

Bitch Kitty and Tail Envy

     At my house I have three pets: two cats and one dog. My dog is a neurotic Rottweiler who thinks he's the size of a teacup poodle. My cats are a six pound grey and white female named Ginger and a thirty pound black male who thinks that if he can see the bottom of his bowl, his death is imminent. The small cat, Ginger, hates all things living and her life goal is to destroy the world. I am convinced this is because she has no tail. We just call her "Bitch Kitty".
     Bitch Kitty is one of the prettiest and softest cats I have ever owned, but you can not touch her. If you touch her prepare to lose an arm. It seems the only time she likes to be a real cat and show affection is when you are sitting on the toilet. It's kind of awkward when guests come over and my cat attempts to sit on their lap while they do their business.
     Last night, while I was watching some television before going to bed, Bitch Kitty was sitting on the edge of my sofa with quite the puss on her face. This was probably because my fat cat, Boris was standing on the seat of the sofa with his tail flicking Bitch Kitty across the face every few seconds. Bitch Kitty has never been fond of other cat's tails, and when given the chance she will attack another cat's tail and chew the life out of it. Last night was no exception.
     She put up with the tail in her face for possibly a minute and then presumed to go at Boris' tail like it was corn on the cob. My fat cat has low self esteem and just wants to be accepted by his big sister, so he just let her chew on his tail. I think on some level he understands her tail envy but, for the most part, I think he just wants someone of the same species to love him. Meanwhile, my partially retarded dog just stood inches from the cats breathing heavily and woofing under his breath wanting to play (he also doesn't have a tail, but that doesn't make Bitch Kitty like him any more). I won't be surprised if I wake up one morning to my dog dead at the bottom of the stairs and Bitch Kitty wiping prints.
      Bitch Kitty's utter hatred for Boris could be for many reasons. The fact that Boris is a lump who eats all the food in the house or the fact that Boris gets all of the cuddle time outside of the bathroom. But ultimately, I think it boils down to a serious case of tail envy.

1 comment:

Royce A Ratterman said...

Ha, ha ...

My cat (long gone now - R.I.P.) used to sleep on my neck. And she loved moving fingers :-)